Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
