why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Randomize
