the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
