He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
