he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
i think i just lost a toe
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
