Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
The power of my boobs compel you
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
