i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
