My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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