wakey wakey hands off snakey
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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