Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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