Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
