finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
