is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
