Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
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My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
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Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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