My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
