Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
