I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
