You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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