Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
