I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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