Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
