By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
