It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
