i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i wish my penis had a tongue
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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