just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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