I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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