You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
