Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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