The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
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I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
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So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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