"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
