Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
