Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Randomize
