just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
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He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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