I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
