so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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