actually, I'm a sock model
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
