I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Still dying that you shit outside
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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