dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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