Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.