he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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