Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Randomize
