Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
