Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
did i walk over a car last night?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
