He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
