I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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