I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
