yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
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I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
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He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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