Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
