I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
