I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
