If that was your dad, he is hot
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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