The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
