Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
barbara walters just said penis...
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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