Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
