If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
